What I'm Learning...

It's been a busy week... I'm not used to eating most of my meals either before or after the rest of the family, or spending more time out than at home. The hardest part is not being able to have much of a schedule. New things have popped up unexpectedly, and my work schedule is sporadic to say the least. Thankfully, I have a few days where I'm not working now, unless someone calls and asks me to take a shift.

It's those days when I'm out of the house at 8 am and not back until 9 pm, tomorrow's homework still needs to be done, the bathroom is getting scary, my bed still isn't made from yesterday, and I can hardly read a Psalm before I crash, that I start to wonder why I'm doing this.

God has a plan.

And goodness - He's teaching me so much.

I'm learning that although I'm grateful for this opportunity to take a semester at University, I'm not going to be doing this for another four years, unless it's for something practical like nursing. (Which is still a possibility - waiting to see where the Lord leads for that one.)

I'm learning what it is I love about learning.  Those years of homeschooling were what taught me to love and value knowledge - and not just knowledge, but to begin to seek wisdom, something that is not the basis or goal of university learning.

But far beyond that, He's teaching me some incredible things about seeking Him and putting everything in His hands. I can't get over how beautiful life becomes when the reality of who my God is - as Saviour and Creator - is at the forefront. It really doesn't matter what's going on, because though I often don't understand, and sometimes kick and scream a little, He is sovereign. He's making beauty that I can't even imagine yet.

I see it as I sit waiting for the bus, looking up at the incredible fall colours of the giant maples across the street. My God made those trees! Yes, I see Him more and more in these small (but oh so majestic!) things, but also in the big things as well.

In pain, in tragedy, in changes and new births, HE IS SOVEREIGN. In everything, may my desire be simply to follow Him.

19 and Counting

Please forgive me for putting such a weird picture in there, right at the get-go. That cupcake was pretty special, but I have to confess it didn't assuage my weirdness in the least. ;)

I just celebrated my birthday on Sunday - another year has come and gone. Nineteen seems unreal in some ways. I find myself reminiscing about things 10 or so years ago, and it seems like the time has flown by. I'm reminded to treasure each moment and not let it slip by in complacency. I'm also reminded of the faithfulness of my God - He truly uses everything for good, even the painful and the ugly. It's good to think back and remember.

It was a beautiful day... though it was a bit gray and rainy in the morning, and I complained because my birthdays have been sunny for as far as I can remember. And on a SUNday, no less! Absolutely unforgivable! But I jest. :P The afternoon actually turned out quite nice, and I went outside to pick myself some cherry blossoms and tulips from the garden. Really, the weather wasn't the only factor in it being a beautiful day.

God orchestrated it exactly the way I needed it, I think - to not let the focus be entirely on me. Going to church in the morning, worshiping God and being reminded what a holy, holy, holy God I serve... I needed that. There is such joy in seeing His glory - truly, that joy is the greatest of all joys! After lunch, going back out to play hymns on the organ (eep) at a retirement home. Organs scare me, quite frankly. All those unlabeled pedals and buttons and switches. :S But ultimately it turned out fine, though by no means perfect!

Back home, to have a spot of tea and a relaxed family meal at last. My lovely mom prepared a simple, but exceptionally tasty supper of chicken strips, baked potato, and peas and carrots, as per my request. And for dessert - me oh my! The most rich and scrumptious iced cream cake I've ever tasted, homemade to dark chocolate perfection, eaten while watching an old Wallace and Gromit movie, The Wrong Trousers. Coincidentally, it was premiered the year of my birth. It's been a while since I've plugged in an old VHS like that!

Okay, so that was an overload of description, but I don't want to forget. ;)

As for what the next year holds? Only God knows for sure. How thankful I am that He does know, because I might else feel as if things were falling apart, should my plans somehow fail. Lord willing, I'll still be a daughter, a student, a teacher, and all this is in His hands.

Catching up...

Just thought I'd share a bit of what's going on in my everyday life lately... point form! :) Hopefully there will be some new posts up in the next week.

• I got my hair cut on Wednesday! Crazy how much difference that makes... I got about a foot off, making it fall just above my shoulders, and it feels so much different. I loved that I was able to donate it!

• I'm taking a first aid course this weekend. Okay, that was random....

• The job search is on. Newness can be uncomfortable, and I'm a little nervous about these new experiences that are opening up just beyond where I can see, but I'm praying for the right opportunity. I've handed in a few resumes with no results so far, but there are some possibilities on the horizon, so I'll just wait and see what the Lord has in store.

• I've been accepted to university! Still praying about this one - it's a big step, but I feel like it's the right path for now, and I'm trusting that God will continue to guide.

• I'm nearing the end of Bonhoeffer's biography at last... a truly fascinating account, set in a society so similar to our own. Bonhoeffer's writing contains so much wisdom, and much that applies to me and the world we live in today. I'll share some quotes soon. :)

• In a way, I feel like I'm relearning old lessons, as I've been going through some rough times lately. But isn't that the way life is? We are sanctified by learning obedience not only once, but continually, learning to respond with faith in the midst of every trial. A new turbulence comes from an unexpected angle to combat the peace of my soul, and I so easily fall prey to fear. But how beautiful it is to learn that God is still faithful.

Of Crashing Waves and Winter Sunsets...

I wasn't able to post as often as I would have liked to last month, but I'm hoping I will be able to blog a little more regularly again. My apologies! The past few weeks have been a bit crazy... not super busy, but just an unpredictable schedule. There have been many things to bring before the Lord - many dear friends who are going through trials and much pain. There is this feeling of being utterly powerless and inadequate, of not knowing the right words to say. And through it all, learning to leave everything in God's hands, trusting with everything within me that He will accomplish His good purpose. It's humbling to know that, if He wills, He will even work through my stumbling words. I sometimes feel like a child trying to ladle out tiny cups of water from the Ocean of Christ's love with a cracked teacup, but in reality He is the one whose waves crash down over the highest walls, and in that I can rest and rejoice!

I wanted to take a few moments on this second day of February to share tonight's beautiful sunset with you! I hear the groundhog saw its shadow today, but around here, it looks like spring is on its way. With February's arrival, the skies are beginning to clear, but the clouds that remain catch and throw the rays of the setting sun in brilliant patterns of light and colour.

Without further ado, the promised pictures!

When I first went out on our back deck to take some pictures, the rays of the sun were splendidly diffused through the clouds above. I took several shots before going back inside.

Five minutes later, I turned around and it looked twice as amazing. It was just sneaking down beyond the western horizon, spilling its last drops of molten gold.

Oh, whaddyaknow! It happened again! Once again I was just inside when the clouds above began to glow with pink and purple light. Out I rushed again to capture the ever-changing majesty. What a beautiful message of God's sovereignty and provision - the very same One who sets the path of the sun is the One who establishes my path!

Psalm 113 

Praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD, you his servants; 

praise the name of the LORD.
Let the name of the LORD be praised, 

both now and forevermore.
From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, 

the name of the LORD is to be praised.

The LORD is exalted over all the nations, 

his glory above the heavens.
Who is like the LORD our God, 

the One who sits enthroned on high,
who stoops down to look 

on the heavens and the earth?

He raises the poor from the dust 

and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
he seats them with princes, 

with the princes of his people.
He settles the childless woman in her home 

as a happy mother of children.

Praise the LORD.

Contentment: The Heart That Gives

Continuing to think on the track of the last post, I just wanted to share some scriptures that stuck out to me when I was looking up contentment. Compared to how the world thinks, these things are revolutionary - just as they were in the world Jesus and the apostles taught in.

I was just recalling the parable in Luke 12 today, about the rich man who planned to build bigger barns for his harvest. To him, God said, "'You fool! This very night your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?' So is the man who stores up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God." Often, our attitude towards wealth includes the notion of storing it up, accumulating it, counting our pennies.  Though we can do this with money, the point is that we cannot do the same with the days of our life. There is no such thing as putting our days in a savings account, or buying stocks in life-lengthener.

Paul wrote similarly in 1 Tim 6:6-10,

"But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs."

Going back a bit farther in time, to the ministry of John the Baptist, I found it interesting to see what the forerunner of Jesus had to say to those who questioned him about the proper response in light of the coming wrath.

"'The man who has two tunics is to share with him who has none; and he who has food is to do likewise.' And some tax collectors also came to be baptized, and they said to him, 'Teacher, what shall we do?' And he said to them, 'Collect no more than what you have been ordered to.' Some soldiers were questioning him, saying, 'And what about us, what shall we do?' And he said to them, 'Do not take money from anyone by force, or accuse anyone falsely, and be content with your wages.'" (Luke 3:11-14)

How incredible! Before this, John had been proclaiming the coming judgment of God upon unbelievers, telling them that "the axe is already laid at the root of the trees; so every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire." Unlike many doom-sayers of today, John warned the people not to hoard their possessions, but, in essence, to count it as nothing.  The ability to do this requires the grace of God which leads to repentance and enables the believer to forsake themselves.

This all sounds very biblical and theological, but the real test comes in asking, "what does this really mean for me to obey?"  Looking at how John directly and specifically addressed the crowds and the tax collectors and the soldiers, it can be seen that this is not something to be understood and then passed over.  There are two questions that I need to ask myself: "What do I habitually take or hoard for myself?" and "What do I have to give?" This is so convicting to me, as I know that there are many things which I have not fully abandoned for the sake of Jesus. For everyone, there will be different answers. In my life, I know a big one is time. I need to be rethinking "me-time" and focusing on how I can best use it to grow in my relationship with God and be a blessing to others. Another one is my reputation - my status in the eyes of others. So often I fear the judgment or rejection of others. Am I willing to sacrifice and step out of my comfort zone for the name of Jesus? There are countless other ways in which this applies to my life. These are really hard things, although they are often accomplished in small steps... like giving an extra coat away, or encouraging a hurting friend.

I realize that I've been mainly focusing on fruit in this post, but it's so important to realize that none of it can be achieved without a transformed heart that has been ransomed by the blood of Christ and fully given over to Him. When we hoard time and resources, we are merely feeding the flesh and displaying carelessness toward our eternal fate. Eternally, anything we gain will be that which we have given for the glory of Christ.  I love Jim Elliot's quote, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." Oh that I would truly be able to forsake myself and live for the honour of my King!

Contentment: The Heart God Fills

During my quiet time the other day, I was simply given one word.

Contentment.

I looked it up in the little concordance at the back of my Bible.  Honestly, I was surprised at how the verses I found spoke to my heart and tied together a lot of things the Lord has been teaching me recently... I was amazed at just how strong and true and pure and right these things are as I begin to realize their fullness.  This contentment that Jesus talked about transcends all the pale, thin counterfeits seen by the imagination or drawn up by the words of men.

This contentment is not the pleasure of being surrounded by beautiful things, being filled by a warm meal, or being held by human arms; nor is it the state of simply being resigned to one's lot.  How could I describe what this contentment is if my listener does not know the Spirit who grants it?  It cannot be born without the stripping away of every other desire, every other thing from which we seek satisfaction.

Contentment means to cease chasing after the wind and at last drink from the Fount.  Contentment means to leave all else behind and follow the Master.  Paul wrote in Philippians 4:11-13, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."  The satisfaction Paul spoke of had nothing whatsoever to do with his circumstances, but with Christ who gives strength and hope.  Whether we are filled or hungry, we can be satisfied by the Bread of Life.

After moving to a different church several years ago, and being distanced from many of my closest friends, God began to teach me these things in a practical way.  I had never realized just how much my dependence was on friendships until that time. I experienced times of loneliness and times when I battled with feeling accepted.  There came a point when I realized that God was using these things I was going through to bring me to a deeper dependence and a greater intimacy with Him.  As I expressed to Him my longings for a confidante, I began to experience what it truly means for God himself to be my friend and to find peace in surrender to His will.  Since that time, the Lord has brought many dear friends into my life who love the Savior and have been a great encouragement to me, but I pray that I will remember the lesson He taught me in that season.  I love John Piper's quote: "This is God's universal purpose for all Christian suffering: more contentment in God and less satisfaction in the world."

My prayer is that I will be able to face every joy and trial with the knowledge that Christ is my strength, to surrender every thought and circumstance to Him, knowing that He "causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Rom 8:28)  Contentment is not merely a state of the mind, but of the heart.  God fills the heart that has been emptied.

Strong Hands

Bright eyes struggled to focus on the strong fingers that deftly wove the threads of the tapestry.  Many times, the curious hands of the infant had reached out impulsively and tried to catch the threads of gold and red and blue.  Patiently, the mother would reprove her child and straighten each row to its proper place, each humble strand to form the emerging design.  Now, her daughter would not understand, nor would she appreciate the effort and love put into the design.  The mother smiled down on the downy head that snuggled so trustingly against her, filled with love for the baby she cherished for this short time, seeing the woman she would so soon become.  The child fussed again, trying to reach for the beautiful threads that were denied her, pushing against her mother's restraining hands. Squirming, she let out a frustrated cry. "Hush, my daughter, hush."

+ + +

The Lord has been quieting my heart and teaching me to rest in Him this year.  So many times, my mind rebels.  "Why God? Why can't I sense your direction for my life? Why do I have to wait to know your plans?  Why do I have to live with these uncertainties, this lack of decision?"  Yet the Lord knows what I need, and He has not left me to wallow in those questions.  He has brought so many messages into my life that deal with these very issues.  One was a sermon series at church last summer about the will of God, based on Deuteronomy 29:29, "The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever, that we may observe all the words of this law."  Another was the study on Jerry Bridges' book, Trusting God.  Great book, by the way! 

So, honestly, after some emotionally rough times near the beginning of this year, you'd think I'd have finally got it.  I thought so too, but there have been moments when I've allowed the anxiety of those tangible decisions to get in the way of that trust, and I've felt trapped in it. I would dread the inevitable question of, "So, what are you doing now that you've graduated?" I have struggled with the fear of disappointing my friends and family, of having my decisions ridiculed or misunderstood.

I'm beginning to realize the reason that He has me in this place, and as always, His purposes are perfect.  I'm repenting of my selfish, doubting spirit. I would think I had surrendered everything at the cross, but then get trapped again in the fear that I'm not making the right decisions, and I'd be a failure and miss God's plan and have a horrible life. Uh... Self?  What in the world were you thinking!?  By His grace, I will not be a slave again to fear. 

My Father has been whispering to my heart, "Look up! Here I Am. Seek Me."  Almost every time I open my Bible or pick up another book, I end up reading that message.  The other day, as I was leafing through a journal that I was given, there was a quote by Charlotte Bronte that said the same thing: "I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward." I am so thankful that God is teaching me these lessons now.  Not that I will ever learn them fully in this life, but that I may be sanctified by His power in order to more fully proclaim His glory through my living and dying, day by day.  His faithfulness is indeed great. Life is busy, complicated, and filled with struggles without and within, but through all these things, I can see God's hand at work.  I can rest in Him, because His strong hands are weaving the tapestry of my life.

Peter's Perspective - The Passover Lamb (Friday)

Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself... I tend to make big plans that never quite work out as I envisioned.  There's a bit too much on my plate right now.  I had planned to write an Easter series that looks at the story from Peter's perspective, but only Thursday's post actually made it to the blog.  I've decided I'm still going to finish the story.  You don't mind, do you? ;)  Peter reminds me so much of myself, which I will elaborate on in the near future.  To be honest, I think it's far too easy to come down from the intensity and spiritual richness of Easter and forget the fact that the glory of the resurrection and the sacrifice of Christ needs to be real and vital to us every day.  With that in mind, please don't pass this over just because it's past Easter.  It is my prayer that the richness of the gospel of Christ would be portrayed through these words, and that I and all who take the time to read will continue to expand in our knowledge of and love for the gracious and glorious Savior!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After the Passover meal was finished, and our host had been thanked, Jesus led us to the Mount of Olives once again, to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray.  As we left the house, I asked Jesus if Judas would be coming with us, but He simply replied, "He will return when the time comes for the Son of Man to be offered up." 

The sun had already passed beyond the horizon as we climbed the dirt path up to the Mount again, but the gray light still lingered to light our steps.  By the time we reached the garden of Gethsemane, the darkness was complete.  We lit a small fire for warmth and light, and sat huddled around it.  Jesus told the others to stay with the fire, but called James, John, and I to go under the olive trees to pray.  The joy and peace that Jesus had displayed as we sang the Passover Hallel was now overshadowed by a deep sorrow that we did not understand.  He looked up at us, and with pain in His voice, but gently, as if to beseech us, He said, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."  He went a little beyond us and fell to the ground, sobbing, "“My Father! Abba! If it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”  He continued in prayer, affirming His desire to do the will of the Father, but obviously overcome with anguish as He considered the coming darkness.  Two times more, He asked that the hour may pass Him by, and then He fell to silence, still kneeling beneath the olive trees.

Our souls were stricken at His prayer. Could it be that His words long ago to us that He would go to Jerusalem and be killed by the elders and scribes were now to come true?  At the time, I had rebuked Him, saying "God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You!"  His response to me was a harsh reproach.  "Get behind Me, Satan!  You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God's interests, but on man's."  This time I would not fail Him.  I would not question His words, and I would never leave Him.

Even with the weight of sorrow and strength of resolve, fatigue began to catch up to John and I, who had been on watch the night before.  When Jesus returned to us, we were beginning to drift into sleep, overcome by exhaustion and anguish.  He said to us, "Why are you sleeping? Get up and pray that you may not enter into temptation!"  We shook ourselves awake, and as I looked up with sleep-blurred eyes, I was startled to see that the drops of sweat on His forehead glistened red in the light from the fire.

He led us back to the other disciples, who had also dropped into slumber.  Rousing them, He said to us all, calmly now, "Are you still sleeping and resting?  Keep praying.  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."  Looking up into the darkness, He said, as much to Himself as to us, "Look!  The hour is at hand and the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners. The one who betrays Me is at hand."  Startled, I saw that indeed, a crowd was coming near us in the garden.  Judas, who led them, greeted the Master with a kiss, but then went to stand beside the chief priest.

Stunned with the implications of this turn of events, my first reaction was hatred for the betrayer.  "Traitor!" I hissed.

Jesus, filled with quiet courage, ignored me and said to him, "Friend, do what you have come for."

Friend?

Image Credit

Rage filled me as they seized Jesus, and I drew my sword.  I would never deny Him!  I would die defending Him!  Blindly, and with a cry of desperation, I struck out at the member of the crowd closest to me, the slave of the priest.  My blade sliced through sinew and cartilage, and his severed ear fell to the ground.  The slave screamed with pain as he grasped his bleeding head. Immediately, guards rushed towards me and the garden erupted into chaos.  I was struggling in the grasp of three Roman soldiers, yelling out threats and curses, when a stunned hush fell over the gathering.  Jesus was walking towards the wounded slave, hands outstretched.  As if they were the ones bound, the pharisees and guards stood watching dumbly as Jesus took the bloody hands of the man I had wounded.  Putting His hand over the flow of blood, He healed him so that his ear was perfectly restored.  The slave looked at the ground, where his old ear lay, and felt the new, perfect skin and cartilage with awe.  Turning, Jesus looked at me. "Put your sword back in its place, for those who take up the sword will perish by the sword.  If I were to ask my Father, He would at once put more than twelve legions of angels at my disposal.  But this is now happening to fulfill the Scriptures of the prophets."

He then turned to the mob, and asked them, "Whom do you seek?"

"Jesus the Nazarene."

"I AM He."  At these words, the name of God, spoken with the very voice of God, the assailants drew back and fell to the ground.  He said to them, "I told you that I AM He, so if you seek me, let my followers go on their way.  I will drink the cup the Father has given Me."

With that, they were again overcome by hate, and bound Him, taking Him into the court of the high priest.  All of us deserted Him in fear of his accusers, but none of us were taken.  John and I followed the cohort at a distance until they reached the court of the priest.  John knew the owner of the house and entered with Jesus, but I remained outside, overcome by fear.  The coming King had been arrested as a common criminal, and my confidence was shattered.  I stood there, slumped dumbly against the door of the outer court, and the darkness within me became greater than the darkness of the night.  Little time had passed before John came out again, begging me to come in to the fire.  I was fearful of being recognized, but I followed him, attempting to warm myself while staying in the shadows as much as possible.  Despite my efforts of concealment, a young servant-girl started as she caught a glimpse of my face from across the fire, and blurted out, "This man was with Him too!"

"I don't know Him - I don't even know what you're talking about!"  It was said too quickly.  My Galilean accent was made even more pronounced with the terseness of my words.

She gave me a strange look, but left to speak to the other men in the courtyard.  Before long, one of them came over to me.  "Surely you are one of the followers of Jesus of Nazareth."

"Sir, I am not."

Another slave came over who was a relative of the man whose ear I cut off.  Standing over me with his arms folded and a scowl on his face, he asked menacingly, "Didn't I see you in the Garden with Him? Even your accent betrays you!"

At the word "betray", I cringed, but I maintained my assertion.  "I don't know the man!" 

The moment the words left my mouth, a cock crowed from just beyond the wall.  I looked up to where Jesus was being led into the courtyard by guards who were preparing to beat Him.  He turned and looked at me, eyes filled with such gentle sadness and reproach that I felt as if I had been dealt a death blow. Overcome with sorrow and shame, I fled from the courtyard and began to weep uncontrollably.  "Oh, forgive me Lord!  Forgive me!  What have I done?"

How could I even cry out to Him? I was utterly undeserving... nothing but dust.  Nay!  Worse than dust - I was the vilest offense; a stench, a worm, and not a man. 

What unfolded in those hours, I cannot now tell, but from sunrise to well into the day I numbly wandered the streets of Jerusalem as if I were in a dream.  The city of promise had become a city of death to me, and by my denial, I knew that I too had betrayed the Lord, the Son of God.  I, who had been so bold in my assertion of loyalty, was now stripped of all pride and forever separated from the Lord I loved.  At noon, the sun was strangely darkened, though there was not a cloud in the sky, and I knew that this was a sign from God.  The streets were now empty, as if the citizens dreaded some strange omen.  A man was coming towards me from a gate in the city, groping in the peculiar darkness, dressed in the robes of a temple official.  I recognized him as one of the men who had arrested my Lord.  "Where is Jesus?" I croaked through parched lips.

He spat on the ground and squinted at me in derision.  "Nailed to a cross on the Place of the Skull, where He belongs.  And who are you that you should ask?"  Overcome by a wave of nausea, I did not answer him, but brushed past to make my way to Golgotha, the place favored by the Romans to hang criminals sentenced to crucifixion.  When I arrived there, it was nearly three o'clock.  Three men hung on the cross-shaped instruments of torture, and a small gathering of men and women stood or knelt before them in grief.  John was there, kneeling with his arm around Mary, the mother of Jesus, who shook with sobs.  At first I did not recognize the man who hung in the middle, because he was so disfigured by bruises and bleeding wounds.  With a gasping sob, I realized that it was Jesus who was lifted up there to die.  How could it be?  With amazement, I saw Him push Himself up to draw in a ragged breath as He cried, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  He fought for a few more precious breaths with which He said His last words, "It is finished!  Father, into your hands I commit my spirit."  As His limp head fell to His chest, the earth shook, and even the Roman soldiers said that "this man was surely the Son of God."  I had crucified the Son of God.

Peter's Perspective - The Passover Lamb (Thursday)

It was the night before Passover.  We were tired; tired of the jostling crowds who came out to hear the words of the Master in the temple and to receive healing, tired of the growing sense of hostility against Jesus, and tired of waiting for the Messiah to take His rightful place as the ruler of Israel.  Nonetheless, all of us were feeling the building anticipation.  Jesus' replies to his critics were stunning in their wisdom, but we knew there were some who sought His death.  Some might have expected an aspiring King to compromise with the temple rulers, but we knew that the Messiah would never form an allegiance with such corrupt pharisees and Herodians.  He was preparing us, His followers, to fill those roles as the new leaders of the coming Kingdom.  Still, the suspense was emotionally and physically draining.  We had been going at night to our camp on the Mount of Olives, which was a peaceful retreat from the tension of Jerusalem, but the disciples looked forward to soon living in a palace - or at least spending the night under a roof again.  John and I had volunteered to be on watch, and it seemed that the land had been sentenced to a long imprisonment under the darkness of that night.  Finally, the horizon began to fade to gray.

As the morning sun slowly dawned, the red light spread over the eastern hill country beyond Jerusalem until it looked like the all the blood of Bethlehem's lambs had been spilled over the landscape.  Being from Galilee, we would commemorate Passover tonight, being Thursday.  We asked Jesus, "Where do You want us to prepare for You to eat the Passover?"  He told us to go into the city and speak to a man who we would see carrying a pitcher of water.  Just as He foretold, the man met us as we entered the city, and we said, as we had been commanded, "The Teacher says, 'My time is near; I am to keep the Passover at your house with My disciples.'"  The man left his task and led us to his house, where he gave us the upper room in which to gather that evening.

John and I bought a lamb in the market place and brought it to the temple.  The court was teeming with people who brought their fearfully bleating lambs to the altar.  Many laughed and talked with their neighbors in the long line to the place of sacrifice.  Some stood near stalls that sold the lambs nearest to the temple, haggling over the inflated prices, and disgustedly handing over the sum for the obligatory sacrifice.  As we approached the place of sacrifice, the smell of blood became sickening.  Hundreds were being sacrificed that evening, and hundreds more would be sacrificed tomorrow by the Judeans.  Our lamb having been slain, and its blood sprinkled on the altar, we brought it back with us to be roasted for the Passover meal.

As evening fell, and the aroma of roast lamb filled every street and corridor in the city, Jesus and the other ten disciples arrived at the house where we were staying.  Looking back, I can see that we were so blind then.  During the meal in the upper room, we again brought up the dispute of who would be the greatest in the Kingdom.  I had finally succeeded in drowning out the argument of my opponent when I realized that a hush had fallen over the room.  The Master had removed His robe, and with a towel around His waist, He was stooping to wash John's feet.  We were all in shock, struck by the impropriety of the action; the base humility of it.  This was a servant's job!  John initially pulled his feet away, eyes filled with questioning bewilderment.  Jesus looked up into his face, and something John saw there must have led him to acquiesce.  He next came to me, and set the basin down before my dirty, smelly feet.  As usual, I was the first to find my voice.  "Never shall you wash my feet!" At His next words, I felt the sting of His gentle reproof.  "Peter, if I do not wash you, you have no part with me."  When He had washed all of our feet, we reclined again at the table and He disclosed the purpose of His actions, saying "If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet."
As we ate the bitter herbs, the Lord began to speak of a betrayer in our midst - a thought that was bitter indeed to our ears.  He said to us, with great sadness, "One of you will betray me - one who is eating with Me."  We were all struck with grief, and I was the first to protest, "Surely not I, Lord!"  The others joined in with their denial of the charge.  John was sitting next to Jesus, and I asked him, "Who is He talking about?" He leaned over and asked the Lord, whom I heard to quietly say, "It is the one to whom I give this piece."  He dipped a choice piece of bread into the herbs and gave it to Judas, who was sitting near Him, in a place of honor.  Jesus spoke quietly to Judas, and he quickly left, and we assumed he had been sent on an errand.

Proceeding with the meal, Jesus broke bread and passed it to us, saying that it was His broken body.  After supper, He took the cup, saying that it was His blood of the New Covenant.  At that time, we still did not fully understand these things, but I was beginning to feel, for the first time, the sense that there were great and terrible things to come of Jesus' words.  I felt a thrill of the glory and the sorrow of something in the Teacher's voice that I could not yet imagine.  After the meal, He taught us, addressing each one with love and exhortation.  When He turned to me, He said, "Simon, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:31-32)

Together, when the time had come to sing the last Hallel, we lifted up our voices, singing the words of the Passover Psalm,

The stone which the builders rejected
         Has become the chief corner stone.
 This is the LORD'S doing

It is marvelous in our eyes.
    This is the day which the LORD has made;
         Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
    O LORD, do save, we beseech You;
         O LORD, we beseech You, do send prosperity!
    Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the LORD;
         We have blessed you from the house of the LORD.
  The LORD is God, and He has given us light. (Psalm 118)

Baptism

I've gotta say, this was such an exciting weekend for me!  Not only was there the joy of following the Lord in obedience and being baptized, but I watched 7 dear sisters and brother also take that step.  All day, I couldn't stop thanking God for His marvelous gifts.  His grace in salvation was forefront on my mind, but after the baptism, I was so overwhelmed by the love of Christ as shown by my church family.  There must have been almost 200 who overran the pool area at the Best Western.  As we prayed and sang together afterward, it felt as if I had been given a small foretaste of heaven. 

Giving my testimony

Sorry for the bad picture quality, but I'll share a few here... :)  If you want to read my testimony, I have copied it into this post - if not, just scroll down to the pictures. :)  There was so much I felt I could have said, but I trust that God is able to use even my poor words to encourage someones life.

When I was younger, I would witness baptisms and think to myself how boring my own testimony was. Having been raised in a wonderful Christian home and coming to Christ at the age of six, I may not have had a dramatic conversion experience, but over the past few years God has been opening my eyes to see just how much I do need His salvation. God has blessed me so much with many Christian friends and family members and I want to thank everyone here for coming to support those of us who are being baptized today, as we “confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

Although I grew up in the church, it was not until I was 14 that I truly began to seek the Lord personally with my whole heart. It was at this time that I came to a more full understanding of just how much I needed a Savior. Because God is good, and I am a sinner, I cannot stand in His presence. God's goodness demands justice, and that means that He should rightly turn His face from me in eternal condemnation. As Ephesians 2:3 says, we “were by nature children of wrath.” Through the Bible I can see my own sinfulness and depravity. The gospel has become so much more real to me as I realize that it was my sin - my pride and rebellion and deceit - that Christ died for. It is truly humbling and infinitely wonderful, to see just how much I don't deserve God's grace. The love of Christ meant nothing when I depended on self-righteousness and lived in my sins, but in mourning and repentance for sin, His love is an ocean that makes me clean. There have been so many precious times, when I have come to Christ broken and with repentance, and have been so lovingly forgiven and held by the one who died for me. I marvel that I have been chosen as an object of His mercy. Truly, His grace abounds to me, and that grace continually grows as I understand the depth of my need of it. Christ set aside his heavenly glory to inherit the curse of death that was upon me - how could I ever reject the gift of his life to me? All He asked is that I gave up my filthy rags of sin and self-righteousness, so that I could be clothed in His blood-washed robe of true righteousness.

God has been so faithful in my life, to grow and preserve my faith even through times of difficulty, doubt, and uncertainty. Two years ago, He led my family to Valley Heights, and through the teaching here I have grown much deeper in my understanding of and hunger for scripture.

Right now I'm at a chapter in my life where the future is open and unknown to me. There have been times where I have given in to anxiety, and I have been convicted of my lack of trust. God knows the end from the beginning, and He will never leave me. I do not know what the future holds, but I know the goal to which I run, and I know that God will use every step and mis-step in between for my good and His glory. A few verses that really encouraged me are in Colossians 1:9-14, where Paul writes regarding the will and empowerment of God for the believer:

“For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light. For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”

God has been impressing on my heart that His ultimate will for my life is for me to glory in Him alone- to spend so much time thinking about him and worshiping him that he is fully and totally ENOUGH. I know that there are many things that I will never completely understand, but I rejoice that He has granted me faith. I once was a slave of sin, warring against God, but my soul is now His, because He gave His life to set me free. Whereas I was once a captive to sin, I now have the power and authority in Christ to fight against it and be victorious. Although I sometimes fall, the battle has already been won and the outcome is secure. God is my Master, and it is my desire to obey Him by being baptized today.

Ramblings... on trust and surrender

God has been teaching me so much lately.  To be honest, I have gone through some times of discouragement and confusion - and I know that I am still battling with those feelings.  Yet, through it all, God is faithful.  It is so encouraging to look back and see where He has brought me.  I'm preparing to be baptized next Sunday, and I have spent some time looking at God's faithfulness throughout my journey so far.  He is so worthy of praise!  Baptism is something I have wanted to do for several years, but partly due to circumstances, and partly due to my own fear and lack of trust, I have delayed it until this year.  A few months ago, God brought up baptism in my heart again, and convicted me that if I truly claimed to want to surrender everything to Him, I must obey Him in this as well.  My friends are asking if I'm nervous about it.... I am a little, but really, I'm more excited than nervous.  There is a certain peace that comes with obedience to the Father.  That's not to say I won't be nervous about sharing my testimony with my church family (public speaking is not my forte) but I do truly want to do this, and I am feeling so much joy.  Even if my voice starts shaking or I mess something up, it doesn't truly matter, because I know that God will use my weakness to accomplish His good purposes.  I think there will be 7 other people being baptized on Sunday, which is so exciting seeing as we are a congregation of a little over 100!

In other news... I've still been struggling with making decisions about post-secondary next year.  There are times when I can escape from the stress and I feel fine, but there are other times when the uncertainty and anxiety floods in on me, and I feel trapped by it.  I've been accepted for the Fall Semester at a local University to take courses in the Arts program towards getting my Bachelor of Arts, but I'm not sure that it's the wisest thing to do.  An old desire has been resurfacing to do short or long-term medical missions, as I've been looking into Prairie Bible Institute's Practical Nursing program.  I've been trying to seek out counsel and evaluate things objectively, but it really is hard.  I want to make a wise decision, but nothing is clear yet.  There are so many voices - there are times when I try to drown them out, and other times when I feel like I need to please them all.  I found myself getting really anxious about these things yesterday, and God so blessedly reminded me of the gospel.  What use is it to worry about things as mundane as this when He has transcended Earth and Heaven to rescue me?  He had all my days numbered before one of them came to be.  I have to be constantly living in the truth of the gospel, not just my fickle emotions.

Trust.  It's what I have been called to.  It's one of those easy-hard things that Jesus commands...  As Christians, we are commanded to get rid of our own self-righteous striving and do everything in the power of the Holy Spirit.  This can be a difficult thing to understand and practice, and without salvation resulting in the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, we would be unable to live this out.  The more I learn, the greater the unknown becomes.  The more I know of Christ, the more I understand that I will never fully comprehend His greatness.  The more I see His greatness, the more I marvel at His mercy on me.

Oh how I long to be like my Lord!  I am so far from that goal, and I'm feeling it keenly.  Yet how marvelous that through Christ I have already been granted perfect righteousness!  Nonetheless, there are so many times when I fall utterly short of God's will for me - I so often walk through my day as if God is some far-off cosmic object.  Father, forgive me!  I sometimes catch myself giving a "Christian" response that comes from knowledge and rote, but not truly from my heart.  I so often hide my identity in Christ and go on auto-pilot, never truly engaging the depth of life and love that Christ has set within me.

He is truly faithful, but I am sensing more and more my own failures and inadequacy.  Oh how I need Him!  I need Him to unravel me, because I so easily get wrapped up in myself.  I need to be shaken, to get rid of my prideful inhibitions and fears about what others think about me.  I long to be truly honest and open, so that I can truly manifest God's glory.  There is a light within me, but I so often hide it under a bowl.  I need to let go of myself, but I feel so helpless to do this on my own.  I cannot even convey the depth of this plea - but even when I'm crying out for God to take away my disguise, I clutch it closer to myself in terror.  Oh God! Create in me the "perfect love [that] casts out fear" that 1 John 4 talks about.