Sitting the Fence and Toeing the Line

How much do you love Me?

That's the question God has been asking of me lately.  The Bible clearly shows how much God loves us.  Romans 5:8 says, "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."  Most Christians are pretty comfortable with verses like that.  We like to think about the love of God, don't we?  I'm concerned that we often take truths like the love and mercy of God, and forget the rest of the redemption story - the power of His love to transform our lives.  Whereas under the Old Covenant we were under the commands law as a means of achieving a right relationship with God, we can now enter into the New Covenant, bought by the blood of Christ and sealed by the Holy Spirit.

This Covenant was prophesied in Ezekiel 36:26-27. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances."  That newness of life requires the death of us.  The old heart of stone that is bent on "my desires" and "my happiness" must be removed and replaced with the life of Christ planted in us. Paul writes in Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." (Also see Titus 2:11-14 and 1 John 1:6-7)

It's a practical reality that you will walk in the direction you are looking.  I know from experience that even if I have set out in a straight line towards my goal, when I begin to look to the left or the right, my feet will begin to unconsciously stray in that direction... and often end up entangling my companions.  When something other than the goal catches your eye, it is all too easy to be enticed by it, even if only by curiosity.  That's not always a bad thing when you're out for a stroll in the park, but if we're talking about a toddler who is blithely chasing butterflies near a cliff, that's another story.

Often when I write, I feel like I'm speaking to myself more than anything.   So please realize that I'm not preaching as someone who has it all together (because that's far from the truth), but more to share what God has been placing on my heart.  The Lord has been reminding me that my heart needs to run to Him, to cling to Him, and to esteem Him above any earthly treasure.  This is all too easy to say, but far more difficult to accomplish because our flesh so often dulls the spirit's response to obey.  Ah, yes, there's the important part!  If we love Him, we will obey Him, as Jesus said in John 14:15.

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This leads to the message the Lord has been leading me to again and again these past weeks.  James 4:4 says it plainly - "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."  Oh how convicting those words are!  How often I fail to live with my eyes intently focused on the lasting glory of the King.  So many Christians in our culture are concerned with not "crossing the line", but such an attitude is far from the abundant life Jesus called us to!  Just because we are dutifully toeing the line - going to church, reading our Bible once in a while, and praying before meals - doesn't mean much when the rest of your time is spent flirting with the things of the world.

Our postmodern society likes to live life on the fence.  We look out at that expansive view and like to say we have it all.  "Oh yeah, God's my buddy.  He doesn't mind if I mess around a little - in the end I'm still a good person.  He's a God of love, after all... He wants me to be happy."  On that fence, we can look out and see a world that promises happiness and fulfillment... and a way to somehow get to heaven at the end of it all - and if not, at least to make our own heaven on earth.  "Follow your heart" and "Follow your dreams" are the mantras of today.  Those who preach one Way are dismissed and ridiculed as being judgmental and closed minded.  Elisabeth Elliot sums up that worldly mindset in her book, Passion and Purity, by saying, "Everybody's equal. Everybody's free. Nobody is hung up anymore or needs to deny himself anything. In fact, nobody ought to deny himself anything he wants badly-it's dangerous. It's unhealthy. It's sick. If it feels good and you don't do it, you're paranoid. If it doesn't feel good and you do do it, you're a masochist."  May it be that we would instead obey Christ's call to deny ourselves, take up our cross daily, and follow Him. (Luke 9:23)

One thing that hit me a while ago is that the fence doesn't exist. Do we realize how eternally devastating it is when we are undecided about Christ?  Jesus said, "He who is not with Me is against Me; and he who does not gather with Me scatters." (Matt 12:30) There is no fence... all too soon, those who make their lives there will find it dissolving into an abyss.  The whole idea of justification has been turned upside down to mean that we can do whatever we want.  Rather than being justified by grace through faith and entering into the freedom of being God's slave, many nominal Christians are "justifying" their carnal thirsts as harmless while claiming to follow Christ.

At the end of all this, am I calling Christians to work harder?  To follow stricter rules?  Certainly not!  It's not nearly so simple or so difficult as all that.  It's all about looking towards the goal of our salvation - our Savior Himself.  The radiance of His glory is the only thing we should be running towards, and by His Spirit alone we can be freed from the desires and lusts of sinful flesh.  We are redeemed to be pure reflections of Him.  The question lies in our allegiance.  We cannot serve two masters, nor can we succeed in obeying God while living as if He does not exist.

I know that I must continually put off attitudes of duplicity.  More and more, God is teaching me how wrong it is to justify time spent in worldly pursuits and thought patterns, or time not spent renewing my mind in His word, in prayer, and in praise.  Slowly, faithfully, God is turning me from my spiritual ADD to realize that I must continually be in a spirit of prayer, to be truly captured by His love so that my feet do not stray from His footprints.  I cannot perfect myself, but He is doing the work in me.  So I can joyfully say, "Living for Christ will be the death of me yet!"

A Full Heart Broken

 

I'm overwhelmed and in awe,

At peace and at rest.

Resolved to keep walking through the storm, 

Toward His arms that hold my every step.

As I write this my heart is hurting on behalf of hurting friends... my eyes are dimmed by passing cares...  And yet I am so encouraged that I am not alone... either in my convictions, joys, hurts or failures.  God so amazingly brings people into my life who are going through the very same things and are learning the very same lessons from His hand.  How marvelous it is to be knit together in the Spirit with people I may never even meet in this life, but who are fellow members in the family of Christ!  I have been so blessed by the Father, and by those through whom He is working.  I am so far from perfect, but I am filled with joy at the work the Lord is doing.  My heart is full!

Every time I stumble in my battle against sin, I am brought to look up to the One who is my victory.  Oh how I thank Him that He is faithful to bring my heart onward to be conformed to His perfect will!  I so want to forsake myself and seek His face fully.  I wish I could be completely rid of the sins of the flesh - to see clearly and perfectly, unhindered by these self-clouded eyes.  What a battle it is, but I know that in Christ it will one day be won - on that day when the race is finished and I see Him face to face.

As C.S. Lewis said, "The precious alabaster box which one must break over the Holy Feet is one's heart... and the contents become perfume only when it is broken."  My heart - my deepest self - must be continually filled, and yet, at the same time, continually poured out.  And for this to take place, it must be broken - on His feet!  I want my heart to be like Mary Magdalene's jar of perfume which was spilled out with joy and without reservation for the Savior.  I want it to be like the widow's oil jar in 1 Kings that was miraculously filled and sustained.  Both women held something of great value, but both offered it in faith.  Of Mary's sacrifice, Jesus said, "She has done a beautiful thing to me... truly I tell you, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.” (Mark 14:6,9)  The widow also made a sacrifice that yielded much.  She gave the last of her flour and oil to Elijah, God's prophet, and her reward was the supernatural provision of God.  Her deed is written in scripture as a beautiful thing.  She cast away what anyone else would have clung to as the promise of life, and saw with spiritual eyes the promise of God, for which she forsook all else.  Oh that my heart would be like this!

My prayer in these past weeks has been for the Lord to tear away the outer layers of my heart, that I be open and sensitive to His working.  Even as I pray this, I know that I am blinded with selfishness and insecurity, but there is the even deeper assurance that my prayer will not go without an answer.  When others look at me, I want them to see Jesus alone.  "Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:12)  I never want to become complacent to the fact that there is a battle against my flesh.  I never want to stop longing to become more transparently filled with the glory of Christ.  Praise God that He will fulfill it fully, though ever so imperfectly in this life. 

Peace; Be Still!

Well, I started writing a post a couple days ago, but as many of you experienced, Blogger was acting up and I wasn't able to post it.  With that, and various exams and commitments, I haven't been a very good blogger.  I sort of feel like offering an apology for my lack of posting, but at the same time, I don't think you deserve it. :P Kidding!  Really, I don't feel like I have a lot of direction for my blog right now, so please bear with me, but I guess I'll keep posting once in a while when God lays something on my heart to share.

This may be less than coherent, due to about 6 half-hours of sleep last night at a friend's house, interrupted by three spazzing cats.  Nice kitties.  Sure...  Anyhow, I'm tired, but thankful to God for so many things - strength, the flowers and warm breezes today, my family, my friends, and the opportunities and conversations He brings my way.

He's been working!  There are so many beautiful and humbling things He does in my heart and life each day, and I know that He is working in so many hearts and lives.  Beyond each thing I see, there are, as John Piper says, a thousand things God is doing that I do not see, and know nothing about.

Last weekend my church had a True Woman conference.  Women of all ages gathered to listen to some challenging DVD sessions by Nancy Leigh Demoss, Kay Arthur, John Piper, Joni Eareckson Tada, and others.  I know many eighteen-year-olds who would despise sitting in a school gym listening to a call to being a godly woman who embraces the role of being a wife and mother and forsaking the lies of feminism, but young women today desperately NEED to hear this.  My heart aches for the many, many young women in our world, even Christian young women, who are without compass and direction because they are focused on themselves.  Rather than feminism, I believe that Christian young ladies must be embracing femininity as God has so beautifully designed for us.

Our culture and the media bombard us with the message that we deserve to be happy and have attention and be beautiful, but we cannot blame the world for a disease that begins in our own hearts.  That disease is sin, and it feeds on love of self.  I myself have justified sin by comparing myself to the world, or saying, "It's just something fun.  It's not really bad, it's not really going to affect me."  I know for many young women I know, this is manifested most obviously in the movies we watch and the music we listen to.

Throughout the conference this past weekend, my heart has been drawn again and again to the Word of God as the compass and the very center and foundation of our lives.  Without that, we are, as Ephesians 4:14-15 says, "children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming." Do you realize that we are tossed to and fro by our own thoughts and desires, unless they are rooted in the truth of Christ?

I have truly seen this in my own life.  The week before the conference was a difficult one for me spiritually.  I don't really know how to explain it, but it felt like there was a dark cloud separating me from God, like I was incapable of crying out to Him.  I wanted to feel His presence again, and to have assurance, but doubts were filling my mind and hindering my prayers.  I had been praying that God would speak to my heart at the conference and wake me up again to see my own sin and His glory.  He so faithfully answered, and showed me that I need to truly make war against the apathy of my flesh, and again reminded me to make it my aim to seek Him with all of my heart.  I again saw clearly that God is the greatest treasure, and that I don't need to doubt the goodness of His ways and His plans.  There is nothing in this earth, and nothing that I can imagine that compares to the glorious perfection that He is.  I was also reminded that I must not let my emotions carry me so that I am "tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind," but turn to the Word, which is the rock and the anchor in the storm.

When Jesus calmed the storm in Mark 4, He did not comfort His disciples with the reassurance that the storm was gone - instead, He rebuked them for their lack of faith.  As He did so, they were filled with great fear, and said,  "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?"  I had to laugh when I read that.  They were no longer afraid of the storm, but of the One who had the power to command the universe!  Well they should be - and so should we!  Nonetheless, how much better it would be for us, if, like Peter, we would look to Christ with faith and walk on water through the storm!  Peter walked away from what any "logical" person would see as his salvation - the boat.  This is a beautiful act - Peter turned his back on earthly safety, and trusted that Jesus would give him the power to follow the Lord.  But do you remember what happened to Peter when he looked away from Jesus?  Matthew 14:30 says, "when he saw the wind, he was afraid" and began to sink.

For me, this is a time of life when often, everything seems to be spinning out of control.  I so often look at the "waves and wind" around me and am filled with fear.  Each step seems perilous, and Jesus seems far away.  Regardless of how old you are, perhaps you are also going through a time like that.  I want to encourage you with this - Christ is the anchor in the storm.  Look to Him; focus on Him; pursue Him, and live for His glory above all.  This is what I am preaching to myself in these days, and this is what brings my soul peace.  Thank you, Lord Jesus!  What a beautiful Savior!

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
   a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
   though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
   though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

                    

 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
   God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
   he utters his voice, the earth melts.

The LORD of hosts is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.
                  

Come, behold the works of the LORD,
   how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
   he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God.
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth!"
The LORD of hosts is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Peter's Perspective - The Passover Lamb (Sunday)

Jesus' body had been taken down and buried in the grave of a secret disciple, Joseph of Arimathea.  I spent the Sabbath with John, Mary, and several other disciples in a house just outside the city.  It was now Sunday morning, the first day of the week, and John and I sat on the doorstep of the house in the predawn light, quietly discussing the departed Messiah.

 

John looked up to the distant hills, where the shepherds were already bringing their sheep out to pasture.  "He said He was the Good Shepherd who laid His life down for His sheep."

"How could a shepherd lay his life down as if he was a sheep himself?  Jesus was slaughtered like a passover lamb!"

"He is God, Peter.  Anyone who has heard Him knows it.  Do you remember during the Feast of Dedication, when He said, 'I and the Father are one'?  He said He was giving us eternal life, and that we would never be taken from Him."

"But He has been snatched from us," I said flatly.

John simply looked into the sun and said nothing.  I could tell that he was trying to hold back the emotions of  grief from the way his jaw was working.

He finally looked at me, and said, "When He sent us out, He said, 'not even a sparrow falls to the ground apart from your Father.'"  Unshed tears glistened in his eyes and I looked away as the rest of the Jesus' words from that parting speech came to my mind, and pierced my guilty heart.

"Everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven... he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me."

As we sat there in silence, a figure were seen running down the road toward the house.  As it drew nearer, I saw that it was Mary of Magdala.  She was weeping and out of breath, but she conveyed her message between sobbing gasps.  "They have taken away the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid Him!"  John and I immediately stood and rushed to the tomb the way she had come, leaving her to catch her breath.  John reached the place of the opened tomb first, and stood looking in.  I quickly caught up and rushed inside.  I was startled to see the linen wrappings neatly folded, and the face-cloth rolled up beside them.  We did not know what to make of this, but returned to the house to tell the other disciples what we had seen.  Mary had again left to mourn at the tomb, but she was seen not long afterward, racing up the road toward the house.  I stepped out to receive her, but instead of sorrow, her face radiated with joy.  "I have seen the Lord!"

Later that evening, we were still reeling with the news of Jesus' appearance to Mary.  All of the disciples kept asking Mary questions like, "Are you sure it was Him?" and "What did He look like?".  We had locked the doors in fear that the Jewish leaders would arrest us if they heard that we were spreading tales of a resurrection.  Even we did not fully believe it.

The meal was almost finished when a man appeared in our midst.  I almost fell from my chair when I saw that it was Jesus.  We all worshiped Him, and praised God, overcome by joy and amazement.  He reproached us for our lack of belief, showing us His hands and side that were pierced.  "The scriptures have said that the Christ would suffer and rise again from the dead the third day, and that repentance for forgiveness of sins would be proclaimed in His name to all the nations, beginning from Jerusalem."  He asked for a piece of fish, and He ate in in front of us, proving that He was indeed alive.

Alive!  Truly alive!  My joy was suddenly stripped from me as I realized that I could never serve Him in the same way again.  I looked down at the table as the others exalted the living Lord.

"Peter."  It was His voice!  So commanding, and yet filled with infinite kindness.  "Peter, do you still not believe?"

He caught the attention of the gathering with a glance, and began to teach us.  "What does the Passover lamb represent?"

John answered, "It was the ransom of the first born in Egypt."

"Yes.  It is a sign of coming redemption of all who are atoned for by its blood.  I am the Lamb who takes away the sins of the world.  Peter, do you believe?"

Oh Lord, help me believe!  I was overcome by the sense of my own guilt and shame before Him, and covered my face helplessly with my hands.  "Peter," He whispered, putting His hand on my shoulder.

"Forgive me," I said brokenly.

"By these wounds, you are healed." He again held his wounded hands out to me.  "What the blood of goats and sheep could not take away, My blood has washed clean."  At these words, it was as if my heart was flooded with light.  Something had changed inside of me, and I knew that I would never be the same.  No longer was I bound to my own strength, but filled with the very power of God.  He had wiped away the former things which bound me to sin and unbelief.

"Peter, you will be my witness to proclaim repentance for the forgiveness of sins.  Just as you have been forgiven, My death is a ransom for all who will look to Me."

Peter's Perspective - The Passover Lamb (Friday)

Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself... I tend to make big plans that never quite work out as I envisioned.  There's a bit too much on my plate right now.  I had planned to write an Easter series that looks at the story from Peter's perspective, but only Thursday's post actually made it to the blog.  I've decided I'm still going to finish the story.  You don't mind, do you? ;)  Peter reminds me so much of myself, which I will elaborate on in the near future.  To be honest, I think it's far too easy to come down from the intensity and spiritual richness of Easter and forget the fact that the glory of the resurrection and the sacrifice of Christ needs to be real and vital to us every day.  With that in mind, please don't pass this over just because it's past Easter.  It is my prayer that the richness of the gospel of Christ would be portrayed through these words, and that I and all who take the time to read will continue to expand in our knowledge of and love for the gracious and glorious Savior!

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After the Passover meal was finished, and our host had been thanked, Jesus led us to the Mount of Olives once again, to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray.  As we left the house, I asked Jesus if Judas would be coming with us, but He simply replied, "He will return when the time comes for the Son of Man to be offered up." 

The sun had already passed beyond the horizon as we climbed the dirt path up to the Mount again, but the gray light still lingered to light our steps.  By the time we reached the garden of Gethsemane, the darkness was complete.  We lit a small fire for warmth and light, and sat huddled around it.  Jesus told the others to stay with the fire, but called James, John, and I to go under the olive trees to pray.  The joy and peace that Jesus had displayed as we sang the Passover Hallel was now overshadowed by a deep sorrow that we did not understand.  He looked up at us, and with pain in His voice, but gently, as if to beseech us, He said, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."  He went a little beyond us and fell to the ground, sobbing, "“My Father! Abba! If it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”  He continued in prayer, affirming His desire to do the will of the Father, but obviously overcome with anguish as He considered the coming darkness.  Two times more, He asked that the hour may pass Him by, and then He fell to silence, still kneeling beneath the olive trees.

Our souls were stricken at His prayer. Could it be that His words long ago to us that He would go to Jerusalem and be killed by the elders and scribes were now to come true?  At the time, I had rebuked Him, saying "God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You!"  His response to me was a harsh reproach.  "Get behind Me, Satan!  You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God's interests, but on man's."  This time I would not fail Him.  I would not question His words, and I would never leave Him.

Even with the weight of sorrow and strength of resolve, fatigue began to catch up to John and I, who had been on watch the night before.  When Jesus returned to us, we were beginning to drift into sleep, overcome by exhaustion and anguish.  He said to us, "Why are you sleeping? Get up and pray that you may not enter into temptation!"  We shook ourselves awake, and as I looked up with sleep-blurred eyes, I was startled to see that the drops of sweat on His forehead glistened red in the light from the fire.

He led us back to the other disciples, who had also dropped into slumber.  Rousing them, He said to us all, calmly now, "Are you still sleeping and resting?  Keep praying.  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."  Looking up into the darkness, He said, as much to Himself as to us, "Look!  The hour is at hand and the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners. The one who betrays Me is at hand."  Startled, I saw that indeed, a crowd was coming near us in the garden.  Judas, who led them, greeted the Master with a kiss, but then went to stand beside the chief priest.

Stunned with the implications of this turn of events, my first reaction was hatred for the betrayer.  "Traitor!" I hissed.

Jesus, filled with quiet courage, ignored me and said to him, "Friend, do what you have come for."

Friend?

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Rage filled me as they seized Jesus, and I drew my sword.  I would never deny Him!  I would die defending Him!  Blindly, and with a cry of desperation, I struck out at the member of the crowd closest to me, the slave of the priest.  My blade sliced through sinew and cartilage, and his severed ear fell to the ground.  The slave screamed with pain as he grasped his bleeding head. Immediately, guards rushed towards me and the garden erupted into chaos.  I was struggling in the grasp of three Roman soldiers, yelling out threats and curses, when a stunned hush fell over the gathering.  Jesus was walking towards the wounded slave, hands outstretched.  As if they were the ones bound, the pharisees and guards stood watching dumbly as Jesus took the bloody hands of the man I had wounded.  Putting His hand over the flow of blood, He healed him so that his ear was perfectly restored.  The slave looked at the ground, where his old ear lay, and felt the new, perfect skin and cartilage with awe.  Turning, Jesus looked at me. "Put your sword back in its place, for those who take up the sword will perish by the sword.  If I were to ask my Father, He would at once put more than twelve legions of angels at my disposal.  But this is now happening to fulfill the Scriptures of the prophets."

He then turned to the mob, and asked them, "Whom do you seek?"

"Jesus the Nazarene."

"I AM He."  At these words, the name of God, spoken with the very voice of God, the assailants drew back and fell to the ground.  He said to them, "I told you that I AM He, so if you seek me, let my followers go on their way.  I will drink the cup the Father has given Me."

With that, they were again overcome by hate, and bound Him, taking Him into the court of the high priest.  All of us deserted Him in fear of his accusers, but none of us were taken.  John and I followed the cohort at a distance until they reached the court of the priest.  John knew the owner of the house and entered with Jesus, but I remained outside, overcome by fear.  The coming King had been arrested as a common criminal, and my confidence was shattered.  I stood there, slumped dumbly against the door of the outer court, and the darkness within me became greater than the darkness of the night.  Little time had passed before John came out again, begging me to come in to the fire.  I was fearful of being recognized, but I followed him, attempting to warm myself while staying in the shadows as much as possible.  Despite my efforts of concealment, a young servant-girl started as she caught a glimpse of my face from across the fire, and blurted out, "This man was with Him too!"

"I don't know Him - I don't even know what you're talking about!"  It was said too quickly.  My Galilean accent was made even more pronounced with the terseness of my words.

She gave me a strange look, but left to speak to the other men in the courtyard.  Before long, one of them came over to me.  "Surely you are one of the followers of Jesus of Nazareth."

"Sir, I am not."

Another slave came over who was a relative of the man whose ear I cut off.  Standing over me with his arms folded and a scowl on his face, he asked menacingly, "Didn't I see you in the Garden with Him? Even your accent betrays you!"

At the word "betray", I cringed, but I maintained my assertion.  "I don't know the man!" 

The moment the words left my mouth, a cock crowed from just beyond the wall.  I looked up to where Jesus was being led into the courtyard by guards who were preparing to beat Him.  He turned and looked at me, eyes filled with such gentle sadness and reproach that I felt as if I had been dealt a death blow. Overcome with sorrow and shame, I fled from the courtyard and began to weep uncontrollably.  "Oh, forgive me Lord!  Forgive me!  What have I done?"

How could I even cry out to Him? I was utterly undeserving... nothing but dust.  Nay!  Worse than dust - I was the vilest offense; a stench, a worm, and not a man. 

What unfolded in those hours, I cannot now tell, but from sunrise to well into the day I numbly wandered the streets of Jerusalem as if I were in a dream.  The city of promise had become a city of death to me, and by my denial, I knew that I too had betrayed the Lord, the Son of God.  I, who had been so bold in my assertion of loyalty, was now stripped of all pride and forever separated from the Lord I loved.  At noon, the sun was strangely darkened, though there was not a cloud in the sky, and I knew that this was a sign from God.  The streets were now empty, as if the citizens dreaded some strange omen.  A man was coming towards me from a gate in the city, groping in the peculiar darkness, dressed in the robes of a temple official.  I recognized him as one of the men who had arrested my Lord.  "Where is Jesus?" I croaked through parched lips.

He spat on the ground and squinted at me in derision.  "Nailed to a cross on the Place of the Skull, where He belongs.  And who are you that you should ask?"  Overcome by a wave of nausea, I did not answer him, but brushed past to make my way to Golgotha, the place favored by the Romans to hang criminals sentenced to crucifixion.  When I arrived there, it was nearly three o'clock.  Three men hung on the cross-shaped instruments of torture, and a small gathering of men and women stood or knelt before them in grief.  John was there, kneeling with his arm around Mary, the mother of Jesus, who shook with sobs.  At first I did not recognize the man who hung in the middle, because he was so disfigured by bruises and bleeding wounds.  With a gasping sob, I realized that it was Jesus who was lifted up there to die.  How could it be?  With amazement, I saw Him push Himself up to draw in a ragged breath as He cried, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  He fought for a few more precious breaths with which He said His last words, "It is finished!  Father, into your hands I commit my spirit."  As His limp head fell to His chest, the earth shook, and even the Roman soldiers said that "this man was surely the Son of God."  I had crucified the Son of God.

Peter's Perspective - The Passover Lamb (Thursday)

It was the night before Passover.  We were tired; tired of the jostling crowds who came out to hear the words of the Master in the temple and to receive healing, tired of the growing sense of hostility against Jesus, and tired of waiting for the Messiah to take His rightful place as the ruler of Israel.  Nonetheless, all of us were feeling the building anticipation.  Jesus' replies to his critics were stunning in their wisdom, but we knew there were some who sought His death.  Some might have expected an aspiring King to compromise with the temple rulers, but we knew that the Messiah would never form an allegiance with such corrupt pharisees and Herodians.  He was preparing us, His followers, to fill those roles as the new leaders of the coming Kingdom.  Still, the suspense was emotionally and physically draining.  We had been going at night to our camp on the Mount of Olives, which was a peaceful retreat from the tension of Jerusalem, but the disciples looked forward to soon living in a palace - or at least spending the night under a roof again.  John and I had volunteered to be on watch, and it seemed that the land had been sentenced to a long imprisonment under the darkness of that night.  Finally, the horizon began to fade to gray.

As the morning sun slowly dawned, the red light spread over the eastern hill country beyond Jerusalem until it looked like the all the blood of Bethlehem's lambs had been spilled over the landscape.  Being from Galilee, we would commemorate Passover tonight, being Thursday.  We asked Jesus, "Where do You want us to prepare for You to eat the Passover?"  He told us to go into the city and speak to a man who we would see carrying a pitcher of water.  Just as He foretold, the man met us as we entered the city, and we said, as we had been commanded, "The Teacher says, 'My time is near; I am to keep the Passover at your house with My disciples.'"  The man left his task and led us to his house, where he gave us the upper room in which to gather that evening.

John and I bought a lamb in the market place and brought it to the temple.  The court was teeming with people who brought their fearfully bleating lambs to the altar.  Many laughed and talked with their neighbors in the long line to the place of sacrifice.  Some stood near stalls that sold the lambs nearest to the temple, haggling over the inflated prices, and disgustedly handing over the sum for the obligatory sacrifice.  As we approached the place of sacrifice, the smell of blood became sickening.  Hundreds were being sacrificed that evening, and hundreds more would be sacrificed tomorrow by the Judeans.  Our lamb having been slain, and its blood sprinkled on the altar, we brought it back with us to be roasted for the Passover meal.

As evening fell, and the aroma of roast lamb filled every street and corridor in the city, Jesus and the other ten disciples arrived at the house where we were staying.  Looking back, I can see that we were so blind then.  During the meal in the upper room, we again brought up the dispute of who would be the greatest in the Kingdom.  I had finally succeeded in drowning out the argument of my opponent when I realized that a hush had fallen over the room.  The Master had removed His robe, and with a towel around His waist, He was stooping to wash John's feet.  We were all in shock, struck by the impropriety of the action; the base humility of it.  This was a servant's job!  John initially pulled his feet away, eyes filled with questioning bewilderment.  Jesus looked up into his face, and something John saw there must have led him to acquiesce.  He next came to me, and set the basin down before my dirty, smelly feet.  As usual, I was the first to find my voice.  "Never shall you wash my feet!" At His next words, I felt the sting of His gentle reproof.  "Peter, if I do not wash you, you have no part with me."  When He had washed all of our feet, we reclined again at the table and He disclosed the purpose of His actions, saying "If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet."
As we ate the bitter herbs, the Lord began to speak of a betrayer in our midst - a thought that was bitter indeed to our ears.  He said to us, with great sadness, "One of you will betray me - one who is eating with Me."  We were all struck with grief, and I was the first to protest, "Surely not I, Lord!"  The others joined in with their denial of the charge.  John was sitting next to Jesus, and I asked him, "Who is He talking about?" He leaned over and asked the Lord, whom I heard to quietly say, "It is the one to whom I give this piece."  He dipped a choice piece of bread into the herbs and gave it to Judas, who was sitting near Him, in a place of honor.  Jesus spoke quietly to Judas, and he quickly left, and we assumed he had been sent on an errand.

Proceeding with the meal, Jesus broke bread and passed it to us, saying that it was His broken body.  After supper, He took the cup, saying that it was His blood of the New Covenant.  At that time, we still did not fully understand these things, but I was beginning to feel, for the first time, the sense that there were great and terrible things to come of Jesus' words.  I felt a thrill of the glory and the sorrow of something in the Teacher's voice that I could not yet imagine.  After the meal, He taught us, addressing each one with love and exhortation.  When He turned to me, He said, "Simon, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:31-32)

Together, when the time had come to sing the last Hallel, we lifted up our voices, singing the words of the Passover Psalm,

The stone which the builders rejected
         Has become the chief corner stone.
 This is the LORD'S doing

It is marvelous in our eyes.
    This is the day which the LORD has made;
         Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
    O LORD, do save, we beseech You;
         O LORD, we beseech You, do send prosperity!
    Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the LORD;
         We have blessed you from the house of the LORD.
  The LORD is God, and He has given us light. (Psalm 118)

Some Encouragement for Pursuing Modesty

I have been so encouraged by Melanie's blog, Forever His Servant, since I stumbled across it about a month ago.  God has really spoken to my heart through her evident passion for the Lord, and the things she has shared.  Modesty is an issue that is so important for Christian young women, and I feel that it is often dismissed or taken lightly.  In the past, I did not always hold modesty highly.  I had certain standards, but it wasn't a deep heart desire to love God and love my brothers in Christ by truly pursuing modesty.  As God has drawn my heart closer to Him, I have been convicted of my tendency to compare myself to others in order to justify my clothing choices.  Sometimes even my choices to dress modestly have been the result of peer pressure rather than a true heart desire.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3,13 says, "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing... ¹³But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

Modesty profits us little if it is not done in a spirit of love for our Lord and our brothers.  On the other hand, it is of little use to say that modesty is an issue of the heart and fail to apply it to our dress and conduct, as Melanie states in the following videos.  I hope you will take the time to watch them and be challenged.

The Eternal Kingdom

As some of you may know, this past year I went on a trip to Europe with my Comparative Civilizations class.  Through the trip and the lectures, I was able to see history in more than a surface context, as a manifestation of the human heart, over-arched by God's powerful sub-story. 

I was able to gaze upon the ruins, artifacts and masterpieces that each empire had left behind.  Reviewing the rise and fall of each empire, I was impressed with a sense of futility and fatality.  Most of the world looks at kingdoms such as the Roman Empire and are lost in awe.  I myself have the same feeling when I see the beautiful things people have created by their hands.  We can so easily latch onto this feeling of awe, allowing it to be our sole pusuit.  We long to worship something larger than ourselves, but only when it feeds into the sense that we can somehow attain to the level of what we worship.  No matter how great the object we behold is, we manage to bring ourselves to the center of gratification once again.  We are our own black hole, grasping to other things to feed us and fill us, but in the end, we are still empty.  We feed off the mighty empires of the world, gaining security while acting for our own interests.  Man has accomplished great things on this earth, but at some point we must realize the worthlessness of these accomplishments.

Even the most selfish person realizes that there must be some greater cause, some "greater good" that supersedes themselves.  Nonetheless, people set up elaborate stories for themselves to explain their existence. Darwinian evolution is one of the most powerful stories that has been set up in the past century to explain human life.  I had to laugh when I heard atheistic evolutionists describing the amazing structures and functions of a giraffe, and accidentally saying it has been "amazingly designed"! "Designed"?  The evolutionists laughed at the comment, but clearly, we are endowed with a conscience that we have made every attempt to sear.  We know something that we won't let ourselves believe.  We have a Creator, but if we were to acknowledge Him, we believe we would somehow become less.  Less in our own eyes, yes, but in reality, humility is of great worth in the eyes of the Lord.  Our greatest fear is to have our self-built kingdom torn down around us, because this is where we have invested our thoughts, time, money, and energy.  Yet, the thing we need most of all is to be stripped of our corrupt palace and have our eyes opened to the Eternal Kingdom.

There are few great kingdom on earth that have given glory to God.  Even those who honoured Him in name displayed their true object of worship by their actions.  Always, it comes down to self.  People invest into a society or an ideal because they believe it will fill them.  They believe that it will help them ascend to a new level of excellence, comfort, or whatever it is that they are seeking.  Solomon, the wisest and richest man in history, poignantly exposed the lie that meaning can be found in any human pursuit.  The book of Ecclesiastes begins with the assertion that toil produces nothing of meaning.  In verse 14 or the first chapter he declares that everything done under the sun is "meaningless, a chasing after the wind".  As the intellectuals of Greece, Solomon chased after knowledge and wisdom.  He saw that it gained him nothing, so he turned to wine, pleasure, and folly, in an attempt to drown the meaninglessness of life.  Reflecting on his failure to fill his emptiness, Solomon observed that no matter what one did in life, all experience the same fate- all would die.  Mortality is a key theme in Solomon's treatise.  We cannot bring earthly treasures with us after death.  Throughout Solomon's philosophical discourse, he comes back again and again to the authority and power of God.  Apart from this sovereign Creator, how could the works of any man account to anything?  Truly, they cannot.  The poverty of a man who is reverent before God is more valuable than the riches of a man who oppresses his neighbor and mocks the Lord.

This is the story that I saw woven throughout my study of civilizations and peoples throughout history.  We can so often look with blind admiration on human accomplishments, but they have all failed.  The promise is empty.  The bread of Egypt and Rome has turned to dust.  The great towers have crumbled, and what remains serves to memorialize failure.  The Parthenon and the Coliseum are great boasts, but the empires that were founded upon them have been washed away.  Kingdoms rise and fall.  All of them will fall.  What then can stand, and upon what can we place our hope?  Hope is found in humility. True hope is founded upon the destruction of false hope.  We must abandon our trust in ourselves and in human institutions.  False idoles must be torn down, and with humble hearts we can then turn to a Saviour who will deliver us from ourselves.  He will lift us up on wings like eagles to walk and not faint.  He will establish the work of our hands when it is done in the strenght of the Lord and for His glory.  This is catacomb Christianity - a perfect trust that puts everything in the arms of the good Shepherd.  Hope is not in what is seen, but what is unseen.  It is not nullified by death, but fulfilled!

I pray that through looking at the failed glory stories of countless kingdoms of the world, we would be able to see them pale in comparison with the glory that will never fade.  I pray that we would relinquish the throne of death and be drawn to the true King.  My hope is that while we can enjoy the beauty of man-made things as a reflection of the insurmountable beauty of God, we will be able to look beyond history to the heart of humankind.  The truth is that all hearts are dead and rotting without the resurrection of Christ.  For those who will look to the Author of history, there is new life.  A life rooted in the true vine will be a life free of striving and servitude to self.  As a child of the true King of Creation there is freedom and peace and lasting joy.  May this marvelous King come to dethrone and free the hearts of all who live in bondage to self.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness

and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,

in whom we have redemption,

the forgiveness of sins.

Colossians 1:13-14