Ramblings... on trust and surrender

God has been teaching me so much lately.  To be honest, I have gone through some times of discouragement and confusion - and I know that I am still battling with those feelings.  Yet, through it all, God is faithful.  It is so encouraging to look back and see where He has brought me.  I'm preparing to be baptized next Sunday, and I have spent some time looking at God's faithfulness throughout my journey so far.  He is so worthy of praise!  Baptism is something I have wanted to do for several years, but partly due to circumstances, and partly due to my own fear and lack of trust, I have delayed it until this year.  A few months ago, God brought up baptism in my heart again, and convicted me that if I truly claimed to want to surrender everything to Him, I must obey Him in this as well.  My friends are asking if I'm nervous about it.... I am a little, but really, I'm more excited than nervous.  There is a certain peace that comes with obedience to the Father.  That's not to say I won't be nervous about sharing my testimony with my church family (public speaking is not my forte) but I do truly want to do this, and I am feeling so much joy.  Even if my voice starts shaking or I mess something up, it doesn't truly matter, because I know that God will use my weakness to accomplish His good purposes.  I think there will be 7 other people being baptized on Sunday, which is so exciting seeing as we are a congregation of a little over 100!

In other news... I've still been struggling with making decisions about post-secondary next year.  There are times when I can escape from the stress and I feel fine, but there are other times when the uncertainty and anxiety floods in on me, and I feel trapped by it.  I've been accepted for the Fall Semester at a local University to take courses in the Arts program towards getting my Bachelor of Arts, but I'm not sure that it's the wisest thing to do.  An old desire has been resurfacing to do short or long-term medical missions, as I've been looking into Prairie Bible Institute's Practical Nursing program.  I've been trying to seek out counsel and evaluate things objectively, but it really is hard.  I want to make a wise decision, but nothing is clear yet.  There are so many voices - there are times when I try to drown them out, and other times when I feel like I need to please them all.  I found myself getting really anxious about these things yesterday, and God so blessedly reminded me of the gospel.  What use is it to worry about things as mundane as this when He has transcended Earth and Heaven to rescue me?  He had all my days numbered before one of them came to be.  I have to be constantly living in the truth of the gospel, not just my fickle emotions.

Trust.  It's what I have been called to.  It's one of those easy-hard things that Jesus commands...  As Christians, we are commanded to get rid of our own self-righteous striving and do everything in the power of the Holy Spirit.  This can be a difficult thing to understand and practice, and without salvation resulting in the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, we would be unable to live this out.  The more I learn, the greater the unknown becomes.  The more I know of Christ, the more I understand that I will never fully comprehend His greatness.  The more I see His greatness, the more I marvel at His mercy on me.

Oh how I long to be like my Lord!  I am so far from that goal, and I'm feeling it keenly.  Yet how marvelous that through Christ I have already been granted perfect righteousness!  Nonetheless, there are so many times when I fall utterly short of God's will for me - I so often walk through my day as if God is some far-off cosmic object.  Father, forgive me!  I sometimes catch myself giving a "Christian" response that comes from knowledge and rote, but not truly from my heart.  I so often hide my identity in Christ and go on auto-pilot, never truly engaging the depth of life and love that Christ has set within me.

He is truly faithful, but I am sensing more and more my own failures and inadequacy.  Oh how I need Him!  I need Him to unravel me, because I so easily get wrapped up in myself.  I need to be shaken, to get rid of my prideful inhibitions and fears about what others think about me.  I long to be truly honest and open, so that I can truly manifest God's glory.  There is a light within me, but I so often hide it under a bowl.  I need to let go of myself, but I feel so helpless to do this on my own.  I cannot even convey the depth of this plea - but even when I'm crying out for God to take away my disguise, I clutch it closer to myself in terror.  Oh God! Create in me the "perfect love [that] casts out fear" that 1 John 4 talks about.