Perspective

Two children are playing outside on this lazy summer morning.  The colours are hazy, the grandeur of the mountains slightly faded by the warm smog rolling in from the city.  The older of the pair, an eight-year-old girl, laughs as she holds up her thumb and squints with one eye in the direction of her younger brother.  "Ha! I can't see your head anymore, it's gone!"

"Hey..." the little boy retaliates, trying this trick of perspective for himself.  He pinches thumb and forefinger until they nearly touch. "You're only this big!" Turning their attention to the car in the driveway, the mountains in the distance, the sun in the sky, they measure the astonishing smallness of these familiar objects, laughing at the absurdity of the game.

~ ~ ~

Absurd? Truly? In our world, most have worshiped the game until it has become a prison; a fatal, self-inflicted blindness.  The philosophies of this world puff up the influence, greatness, and potential of humanity. Our lives are not a linear progression between birth and death, but a web, extending outward, perhaps even heavenward.  Each thought, each word, each step, affecting the lives walking beside and coming after. The headiness of wisdom, the immortal, unquenchable, immutable human spirit has intoxicated the great minds of countless philosophers and sages.

What does it mean to be human? It is a question that has been asked time and again, and has never been satisfactorily answered by science or philosophy.  In the end, man is his own creation, made in the image of the mirage we set before us.  But what if the mirage is emptiness and the image becomes brokenness?

 "All that my eyes desired I did not refuse them. I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart was pleased because of all my labor and this was my reward for all my labor. Thus I considered all my activities which my hands had done and the labor which I had exerted, and behold all was vanity and striving after wind and there was no profit under the sun." (Ecc 2:10-11)

meaningless. meaningless.

The oppressiveness of what we understand, but which does not fill; what we seek to know, but cannot find - these things are death to us!  Oh that eyes would be opened to see!  For at last, at the moment of hopelessness, when the prison tower crumbles, there is hope.

This is humanity.  This dash between two dates, this life with its vast web of human connection; of love and hate and dreams; of failure and achievement...  All of it, nothing more than a pin prick in the hand of the Almighty Creator, the Sovereign Judge.  (Dan 4:35)  "Ah," we think with relief, "so small that He would never notice."

no.

that

pin

prick

drove the nails through the hands

of

the

perfect

Lamb

of

God

How foreign, how strange, how disturbing this is to a world that is gorged with self-love.  How astonishing God's words are, that we, being nothing, could be such an offense to Him that He would give Everything to ransom us.  What beauty!  What love beyond compare! 

"O Lord God, You have begun to show Your servant Your greatness and Your strong hand; for what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do such works and mighty acts as Yours?" (Deut 3:24)

Grace of the Commonplace

I was laying in bed late last night, thinking and praying... examining my own heart.  I was able to do some reading on our trip, having bought "Crazy Love" and "Erasing Hell" by Francis Chan in Lyndon.  I read "Crazy Love" while we were on the road, and my mom would occasionally read a chapter from "Erasing Hell" or an entry from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest".  For those of you who have read these books, you know that they do not contain easy things.  My heart was changed and convicted as I again realized the greatness of my God, my great inadequacy, and the cost and beauty of my calling. There is no way I could ever change myself - to somehow live up to the perfection of who Christ is. If I see myself as able to stand, I am gravely mistaken. I am swept away in the flood, on my face before a holy God, who gave His life to make me His child.  And so I am continually learning, growing in understanding, in the knowledge of my Saviour, and to this there will be no end.  But with each new insight, I pray that I will not merely hear, but that my life would be transformed.  These past few days, I've been thinking a lot about self-consciousness, insecurity, and pride.  All of those go hand in hand, and I struggle with each one.

Last night I was thinking of how I can so often separate myself from the life of Christ in me.  I realized that the things which I see as being to my account are in reality discounted.  As soon as I do something to which I associate a reward, I have begun to rely on myself and give in to pride. I had to ask myself, "Am I the judge of how effective I am as a Christian, or is God?"  Am I rewarded based on the knowledge that I somehow blessed the life of so-and-so?  If that were true, I would have already received my reward in full. 

During our holiday, Mom would often read a devotion from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest".  The August 21st entry really spoke to my heart on this issue.  I have copied it below.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit." Matthew 5:3

The New Testament notices things which from our standards do not seem to count. "Blessed are the poor in spirit," literally - Blessed are the paupers - an exceedingly commonplace thing! The preaching of to-day is apt to emphasize strength of will, beauty of character - the things that are easily noticed. The phrase we hear so often, Decide for Christ, is an emphasis on something Our Lord never trusted. He never asks us to decide for Him, but to yield to Him - a very different thing. At the basis of Jesus Christ's Kingdom is the unaffected loveliness of the commonplace. The thing I am blessed in is my poverty. If I know I have no strength of will, no nobility of disposition, then Jesus says - Blessed are you, because it is through this poverty that I enter His Kingdom. I cannot enter His Kingdom as a good man or woman, I can only enter it as a complete pauper.

The true character of the loveliness that tells for God is always unconscious. Conscious influence is priggish and un-Christian. If I say - I wonder if I am of any use - I instantly lose the bloom of the touch of the Lord. "He that believeth in me, out of him shall flow rivers of living water." If I examine the outflow, I lose the touch of the Lord.

Which are the people who have influenced us most? Not the ones who thought they did, but those who had not the remotest notion that they were influencing us. In the Christian life the implicit is never conscious, if it is conscious it ceases to have this unaffected loveliness which is the characteristic of the touch of Jesus. We always know when Jesus is at work because He produces in the commonplace something that is inspiring.

A quote from the previous day sums this up well, "Christ-consciousness will take the place of self-consciousness. Wherever Jesus comes He establishes rest, the rest of the perfection of activity that is never conscious of itself."  If it is God who judges and rewards, I will be eternally blessed, not by deeds consciously done in my own strength, but by things done in the unconscious life of the Spirit of God, of which God alone knows the effects and the rewards.

In the end, it comes down to pride. Isn't it such a struggle? I have heard many of you express the difficulties of the battle - but I am so encouraged knowing that we are fighting it, facing it.  And yet, you see, this too poses a problem in my mind.  If we think we can beat pride by simply mustering up the strength to fight it, we will only find ourselves entrenched more deeply.  When we feel that we have become less proud, that is when we are most proud.  As Oswald Chambers alluded to, the only true humility is "unconscious" humility.  If I begin to focus on the overflow, rather than the Fount, it becomes mine rather than His, polluted and worthless.  Jesus said in John 4:14, "Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”  Who will seek this water but the one who recognizes their thirst?  Likewise, we must remember always that it is God who is at work in us - it is the overflow of His grace that proclaims His glory. 

As 1 Corinthians 13 shows, love is ultimately self-less.  It is love that we must walk in, for love "does not seek its own."  Galatians 5:6 says that the only thing that is of any value is "faith expressing itself through love." (NIV)

"If anyone supposes that he knows anything,

he has not yet known as he ought to know;

but if anyone loves God, he is known by Him."

(1 Cor 8:2-3) 

"For it is not he who commends himself that is approved,

but he whom the Lord commends." (2 Cor 10:18) 

"For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this,

that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, 

so that they who live might no longer live for themselves,

but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf." 

(2 Cor 5:14-15)

There is a mysterious and beautiful complexity to the surrender we are called to.  While dying, we live - not by the merit of our death, but His life.  May it be that we would never attempt to commend ourselves to the Lord, but instead be overwhelmed by the Savior's love, longing to serve Him with true devotion.  It is the Lord God who has approved us in Christ, so that we would be controlled by the love of Christ. He knows us! Incredibly, He chooses to use our lives for His purposes, but we must realize the truth that He is not dependent on us, or even on our obedience. Yet, by Him, we live, and are empowered by the Spirit to no longer live for ourselves! This is the work of God alone, and is deserving of our praise. It is my prayer that we would grow in the knowledge of this great Saviour, to the praise of His grace. "He must increase, but I must decrease."

A Full Heart Broken

 

I'm overwhelmed and in awe,

At peace and at rest.

Resolved to keep walking through the storm, 

Toward His arms that hold my every step.

As I write this my heart is hurting on behalf of hurting friends... my eyes are dimmed by passing cares...  And yet I am so encouraged that I am not alone... either in my convictions, joys, hurts or failures.  God so amazingly brings people into my life who are going through the very same things and are learning the very same lessons from His hand.  How marvelous it is to be knit together in the Spirit with people I may never even meet in this life, but who are fellow members in the family of Christ!  I have been so blessed by the Father, and by those through whom He is working.  I am so far from perfect, but I am filled with joy at the work the Lord is doing.  My heart is full!

Every time I stumble in my battle against sin, I am brought to look up to the One who is my victory.  Oh how I thank Him that He is faithful to bring my heart onward to be conformed to His perfect will!  I so want to forsake myself and seek His face fully.  I wish I could be completely rid of the sins of the flesh - to see clearly and perfectly, unhindered by these self-clouded eyes.  What a battle it is, but I know that in Christ it will one day be won - on that day when the race is finished and I see Him face to face.

As C.S. Lewis said, "The precious alabaster box which one must break over the Holy Feet is one's heart... and the contents become perfume only when it is broken."  My heart - my deepest self - must be continually filled, and yet, at the same time, continually poured out.  And for this to take place, it must be broken - on His feet!  I want my heart to be like Mary Magdalene's jar of perfume which was spilled out with joy and without reservation for the Savior.  I want it to be like the widow's oil jar in 1 Kings that was miraculously filled and sustained.  Both women held something of great value, but both offered it in faith.  Of Mary's sacrifice, Jesus said, "She has done a beautiful thing to me... truly I tell you, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.” (Mark 14:6,9)  The widow also made a sacrifice that yielded much.  She gave the last of her flour and oil to Elijah, God's prophet, and her reward was the supernatural provision of God.  Her deed is written in scripture as a beautiful thing.  She cast away what anyone else would have clung to as the promise of life, and saw with spiritual eyes the promise of God, for which she forsook all else.  Oh that my heart would be like this!

My prayer in these past weeks has been for the Lord to tear away the outer layers of my heart, that I be open and sensitive to His working.  Even as I pray this, I know that I am blinded with selfishness and insecurity, but there is the even deeper assurance that my prayer will not go without an answer.  When others look at me, I want them to see Jesus alone.  "Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:12)  I never want to become complacent to the fact that there is a battle against my flesh.  I never want to stop longing to become more transparently filled with the glory of Christ.  Praise God that He will fulfill it fully, though ever so imperfectly in this life. 

Some Encouragement for Pursuing Modesty

I have been so encouraged by Melanie's blog, Forever His Servant, since I stumbled across it about a month ago.  God has really spoken to my heart through her evident passion for the Lord, and the things she has shared.  Modesty is an issue that is so important for Christian young women, and I feel that it is often dismissed or taken lightly.  In the past, I did not always hold modesty highly.  I had certain standards, but it wasn't a deep heart desire to love God and love my brothers in Christ by truly pursuing modesty.  As God has drawn my heart closer to Him, I have been convicted of my tendency to compare myself to others in order to justify my clothing choices.  Sometimes even my choices to dress modestly have been the result of peer pressure rather than a true heart desire.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3,13 says, "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing... ¹³But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

Modesty profits us little if it is not done in a spirit of love for our Lord and our brothers.  On the other hand, it is of little use to say that modesty is an issue of the heart and fail to apply it to our dress and conduct, as Melanie states in the following videos.  I hope you will take the time to watch them and be challenged.

Ramblings... on trust and surrender

God has been teaching me so much lately.  To be honest, I have gone through some times of discouragement and confusion - and I know that I am still battling with those feelings.  Yet, through it all, God is faithful.  It is so encouraging to look back and see where He has brought me.  I'm preparing to be baptized next Sunday, and I have spent some time looking at God's faithfulness throughout my journey so far.  He is so worthy of praise!  Baptism is something I have wanted to do for several years, but partly due to circumstances, and partly due to my own fear and lack of trust, I have delayed it until this year.  A few months ago, God brought up baptism in my heart again, and convicted me that if I truly claimed to want to surrender everything to Him, I must obey Him in this as well.  My friends are asking if I'm nervous about it.... I am a little, but really, I'm more excited than nervous.  There is a certain peace that comes with obedience to the Father.  That's not to say I won't be nervous about sharing my testimony with my church family (public speaking is not my forte) but I do truly want to do this, and I am feeling so much joy.  Even if my voice starts shaking or I mess something up, it doesn't truly matter, because I know that God will use my weakness to accomplish His good purposes.  I think there will be 7 other people being baptized on Sunday, which is so exciting seeing as we are a congregation of a little over 100!

In other news... I've still been struggling with making decisions about post-secondary next year.  There are times when I can escape from the stress and I feel fine, but there are other times when the uncertainty and anxiety floods in on me, and I feel trapped by it.  I've been accepted for the Fall Semester at a local University to take courses in the Arts program towards getting my Bachelor of Arts, but I'm not sure that it's the wisest thing to do.  An old desire has been resurfacing to do short or long-term medical missions, as I've been looking into Prairie Bible Institute's Practical Nursing program.  I've been trying to seek out counsel and evaluate things objectively, but it really is hard.  I want to make a wise decision, but nothing is clear yet.  There are so many voices - there are times when I try to drown them out, and other times when I feel like I need to please them all.  I found myself getting really anxious about these things yesterday, and God so blessedly reminded me of the gospel.  What use is it to worry about things as mundane as this when He has transcended Earth and Heaven to rescue me?  He had all my days numbered before one of them came to be.  I have to be constantly living in the truth of the gospel, not just my fickle emotions.

Trust.  It's what I have been called to.  It's one of those easy-hard things that Jesus commands...  As Christians, we are commanded to get rid of our own self-righteous striving and do everything in the power of the Holy Spirit.  This can be a difficult thing to understand and practice, and without salvation resulting in the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, we would be unable to live this out.  The more I learn, the greater the unknown becomes.  The more I know of Christ, the more I understand that I will never fully comprehend His greatness.  The more I see His greatness, the more I marvel at His mercy on me.

Oh how I long to be like my Lord!  I am so far from that goal, and I'm feeling it keenly.  Yet how marvelous that through Christ I have already been granted perfect righteousness!  Nonetheless, there are so many times when I fall utterly short of God's will for me - I so often walk through my day as if God is some far-off cosmic object.  Father, forgive me!  I sometimes catch myself giving a "Christian" response that comes from knowledge and rote, but not truly from my heart.  I so often hide my identity in Christ and go on auto-pilot, never truly engaging the depth of life and love that Christ has set within me.

He is truly faithful, but I am sensing more and more my own failures and inadequacy.  Oh how I need Him!  I need Him to unravel me, because I so easily get wrapped up in myself.  I need to be shaken, to get rid of my prideful inhibitions and fears about what others think about me.  I long to be truly honest and open, so that I can truly manifest God's glory.  There is a light within me, but I so often hide it under a bowl.  I need to let go of myself, but I feel so helpless to do this on my own.  I cannot even convey the depth of this plea - but even when I'm crying out for God to take away my disguise, I clutch it closer to myself in terror.  Oh God! Create in me the "perfect love [that] casts out fear" that 1 John 4 talks about.